it all boils down to these two options: i either have extremely irregular heartbeat (note to self: get body check-up), or i’m in love. because my heart; it pounds like i’m on a roller-coaster ride, at the drop. it’s amazing, really, this adrenaline rush.
yes, i’m aware that this isn’t a morally correct act.
surely, there are more admirable situations to be in instead of this: falling in love with another guy who isn’t your boyfriend. perhaps not exactly falling in love, just … very infatuated.
do i feel guilty?
no. i think i just woke up one day and realized, i honestly couldn’t give a shit anymore. for real. it’s such a complicated love-hate relationship with A; it’s been so for nearly four years. i don’t know how i arrived at this point. i don’t care. and the truth is, i’m just not happy anymore. i’m not happy being with an abusive, controlling and over-possessive person, who isn’t willing to support me through anything. i’m not happy being with a guy who puts me down all the time. i’m not happy that i’ve put up with all his shit and that i’ve developed a nearly superhuman capability of being patient with him. i’m not happy that he lies, and he brags, and he has complete disregard for anything, everything, and everyone important in my life. i’m not happy that he’s just so demanding, so insecure about everything. i’m not happy. period.
it’s just not working out.
i should have seen this from the start, but i guess some things are just … tough to let go.
for nearly four years, i have given this man everything.
i am drained.
over the course of this heart-breaking, exhausting relationship, there have been many other guys. some i’ve had fun with, others i’ve rejected outright. but never have i found myself actually falling. and this feeling, it’s amazing :) i want so much to let this go, and maybe work on my current relationship … but i don’t have the willpower to.
i’m not looking for a relationship with The Other Guy. he’s great-looking, and fun, and easy to be with, and exactly my type — but he’s also a player. i’m a realist; i don’t have expectations for this. this guy swears up and down that he’s truly and hopelessly in love with me; he sends me poems; is interested in getting to know me; and … he pours his heart and soul out to me. and i know he probably doesn’t mean half the things he says, but i don’t care. really, i don’t. all he is, is a great distraction, and i’m not looking for anything … stable. it’s fun.
what do i do now?
the boyf, or ex-bf?; i don’t know. we’re not talking. if this is a break-up, then please god let it stay this way.
the Other Guy?
may just be meeting him later.
unbelievable. stupid racist dumbfuck politician! how does he sleep at night?